Returned with honor

October 18th, 2009

Just a little earlier than I had anticipated. tl;dr version: I’m not dead yet.

I’m not going to go into the full details here; my mom covered that already on the blog she had set up for me. Suffice it for me to say that I am not deathly ill, nor am I committed to a mental institution. Generalized anxiety disorder is a legitimate condition, and can be just as debilitating to being able to function out in the mission field as a broken femur. It’s something that takes considerable time, effort, and self-motivation to fix, and the conclusion that I and the mission president came to was that it would be impractical for me to try to put the necessary time and effort into this while staying out in the mission field. It is an honorable medical release, and I know what it is that I have to do and do not feel bad about having to come home, or like I failed in any way. I gave my fullest effort and intent to trying to stay out as long as I could, and hopefully managed to have a positive effect on the people I interacted with while I was there.

To answer the next question: no, I do not intend on trying to return to the mission field once this is resolved. It would take a considerable amount of time before I would even be to the point where I could go back out and serve the rest of the full two years; but aside from that, I feel as though my purpose in serving a mission was fulfilled. I was with exactly the people who I was supposed to be with—in the MTC with my companion, district, zone, and teachers, and in Hawai’i with my companion, district, zone, mission president, investigators, ward members, et cetera—for me to get the absolute most I could out of the experience, to grow and learn the most, and to help me stick with it and go as far as I could. I don’t think there was any other way but by going out into the field and realizing how inhibitive this can be to my being able to function that I would have been able to acknowledge it and start taking the necessary steps to resolve it; it would have continued to linger and interfere occasionally, and then would have become a major problem at the worst time possible: when I am raising a family, and when they are depending on me to provide for and support them. And if I had stayed out and fought through this without taking any steps to resolve it, I don’t want to imagine what sort of state I might have been in after two years.

I am so grateful to my family and to Jill for how unwaveringly supportive they have been with me through this, and to my mom and Jill for all of the help and advice that they’ve given me to help me get started on the path to overcoming this. I’ll be at home in Tucson for a while—maybe a few weeks, maybe a few months, I don’t know yet—while I take the immediately necessary steps to get this sorted out and be able to function entirely independently, and then I hope to move back up to Tempe to start at ASU again in the spring. I wholly intend to continue with my to-do list as soon as possible, but adding to that sharing the experiences I had on my mission, both with this and in general, with as many people as I can in the hopes that it’ll be of benefit to at least one person or one future missionary who might be dealing with the same things I have been dealing with.

I’m back.

Final countdown

September 12th, 2009

Man I hate cheesy cliché blog post titles like this one. Note to self: change it if I think of a better one.

Then again, it is pretty fitting. I haven’t posted at all really for just about the whole summer, except to announce my mission call (which you can’t have not heard about without having lived on the opposite end of the Local Group all summer); truth be told, I’ve been busy working as a web programmer for a graphic design company in Scottsdale, living at my grandparents’ house, and spending as much time with Jill as possible. She and I have been enjoying the closed and now open beta of Aion, a Korean MMO that’s being released in the US later this month (after I leave, sadly), and it’s definitely a game I recommend. We’ve also been working with my brother on a new incarnation of my old Pokémon website, which the other two are going to keep working on and hopefully put online while I’m away.

But all of a sudden, I’m just hours away from receiving my endowment in the Mesa Arizona Temple, and am four days away from flying up to Utah for my stint at the Missionary Training Center before leaving for Hawaii. It feels almost surreal that it’s so close now, that I’ll be spending two years away from everything and everyone that I’ve just gotten used to being around. It’ll be good for me though; I need the break from school (and badly), and it’ll help me to appreciate the things I have and the people around me that much more when I return. I feel so blessed to have this opportunity, but it feels like it’s coming at me all at once and then it’ll be through before I even know what hit me. I’m just praying that I’m able to do the best I can and that I get from it all what I need to before I return and start checking things off my post-mission to-do list.

I intend to try to keep blogging while I’m gone; I’ll figure out how to set up WordPress blogging-by-email so that I can update from the field on preparation day whenever I have a chance. My various microblogs (which are updated by Ping.fm already) should keep functioning, just with updates on when I make a new blog post and an occasional update from Jill or Aaron with regards to any news I can’t post on them myself. Those two will also have access to posting information here, for things such as updating my contact information for a given area or in the event that I don’t have access to a computer from which to post updates.

I did have an excellent last pre-mission summer: I enjoyed my job (I started but never finished a post wherein I properly gushed about working as a professional code monkey), I spent time with the girl I love, I played some video games. There are things I wish I had gotten done, like playing through the Pokémon games again or having a chance to play the new games (HeartGold and SoulSilver, although Jill and I did preorder them in Japanese for the games and bonus figures), or playing more World of Warcraft, or getting me and Jill and Aaron’s Pokémon site finished. I think though that what will be best for me, with taking two years off from basically everything, is learning not to worry or stress out about what I want to get done and what I feel like I need to get done. I’ve said it this way before, but it feels like I’m giving myself a nice thorough reboot to clear out my internal RAM, and then I’ll be nice and refreshed when I come home and be better able to focus on the things that really matter to me.

I’ll stop here since it’s bedtime, but I’ll be making at least two more posts before my flight leaves Wednesday morning: one will be the talk I’m giving at my home ward in Tucson on Sunday, and the other will be a final recap (with some surprises!) post that likely will be up Tuesday night. For now though, bedtime.

Goals for life as an RM

September 12th, 2009
  • Be sealed for eternity in the Temple to the girl whom I love most.
  • Graduate from ASU with a bachelor’s degree in physics and make it into a PhD program.
  • Decide on a field to study for my PhD.
  • Work from home.
  • Create a webmanga of stories from my mission.
  • Create a(nother) Pokémon site with Aaron and Jill.
  • Learn to DJ and produce electronic music.
  • Learn to play guitar, drums, and piano, and get better at the violin and viola.
  • Sing in a choir.
  • Join and sing in a rock band.
  • Write Pokémon fanfiction.
  • Beat all of the Pokémon games.
  • Get Adarystus to level 85 in World of Warcraft.
  • Get a character to the level cap in Aion.
  • Study for and pass the CCNA and CCNP certification exams.
  • Learn Objective-C and Mac and iPhone programming.
  • Learn to cook.
  • Visit Japan.
  • Become fluent in Japanese.
  • Learn Chinese, French, Korean, Italian, Spanish, German, and other languages.
  • Blog more often.

Mission call!

June 18th, 2009
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Summer first report

June 13th, 2009

Just a quick update, I’ll write more tomorrow—promise.

A lot has been going on for me since the end of the semester actually. I didn’t do as well in all my classes as I would have liked, but that’s not what matters: I’m still alive, and my mission application finally made it up to Salt Lake and I hopefully will be receiving my mission call very soon. The president of the university stake in Tempe was out of town for almost three whole weeks, so I couldn’t meet with him just before I moved out of my apartment and back to Tucson and left on vacation with my family, and in the end had to meet with one of the counselors in the stake presidency after we got back from vacation for my final mission interview. But, it’s all taken care of now, so all that’s left is waiting.

Moving was…fun. It would not have gone nearly so smoothly, getting my whole apartment packed, loaded onto a U-Haul truck, and moved down to Tucson, and then unpacked into my room if it weren’t for my friend Jill, whom Addy introduced me to back in April at an Institute event (more about Jill later). Between my own poor planning, weather disruptions, and the simple fact that I accumulated way too much stuff over the two years I lived away from home, it took a lot longer than I had intended to get everything packed, and then I finally drove down to Tucson on the morning of Friday, May 22—and then turned right around and went back up to Tempe with my family that evening for our flight to New Jersey to begin our family vacation the next morning. Vacation photos and recap post will be up in the next few days.

The short version is, vacation consisted of seeing cousins in New Jersey; a trip to New York City; visits to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, and the Hill Cumorah, Smith Farm, and Whitmer Farm visitors centers of the Church in Palmyra; and Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty; all in between five hour flights each way between Phoenix and Newark, and with about as much driving as actual sightseeing and vacation interspersed. We got back on Saturday the 31st, and then I stayed in Tempe for about another week to help Jill pack and move, and at some point during that time she and I pretty much fell in love.

No skating around it; I actually accomplished one of my new year’s “resolutions” as it were. And before you ask, yes, we have talked about what’ll happen while I’m on my mission, and we’ve agreed not to promise anything we don’t know we can hold to, but that doesn’t mean we don’t both think it’s worth it to try to stay together. We definitely weren’t exactly looking for each other—I’m 20, pre-mission, and have been in a singles’ ward for the past two years; she’s 24 and already gotten married, been out of the Church, come back into the Church, gotten divorced, and still been going to a family ward—but she and I have so much in common and are so alike in so many ways that it’s almost scary. I think all I need to say to get the point across is that she’s a physics major, she plays Pokémon, and she knows her way around Linux and computer programming as well as or better than I do.

In any case, it’s been about a week now since I finally made it back down to Tucson; and then Jill came down to visit me and to see her family. She helped me unpack all of my boxes ‘o’ stuff in a fraction of the time it would have taken me to do it alone, got me motivated to apply for jobs to pay off my credit card before I leave on my mission, and has just in general helped me to stop worrying so much about things and learn to relax and enjoy myself while I can. So apart from the pain in the rear of filling out online résumés and job applications, that’s what I’ve been doing, mostly with her assistance so far. Incidentally, Up is a very good movie.

I think that’ll do for tonight. I’ll try to do a vacation recap post tomorrow, possibly with photos depending on how fast I can upload them to Flickr; and I have a talk/testimony post in mind for Sunday. But first: sleep.

Still complaining about "state secrets?"

May 18th, 2009

All I have to say is: I TOTALLY FRIGGING CALLED IT. From Wired:

Setting the stage for a constitutional showdown, the Obama administration dared a federal judge here late Friday to do what no judge has yet done: disclose classified data the government has declared a national security state secret.

The administration urged U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker to order such a disclosure in a 3-year-old lawsuit weighing whether a sitting U.S. president may bypass Congress and adopt a program of eavesdropping on Americans without warrants. Such an order, the administration said, could halt three years of convoluted litigation and force the appellate courts to weigh in on the hotly contested issue.

The evidence, which the Bush and Obama administrations have declared a state secret, has never been made public.

This is EXACTLY what I predicted the Obama administration would do: continue certain bad policies of the Bush administration, so that the courts could do their job and throw those policies out the window—giving the case against the Bush administration on certain topics, such as detention of “enemy combatants” and warrant-less wiretapping, a much stronger footing.

Let’s see what the EFF thinks of this.

*sproing*

May 3rd, 2009
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*sproing*

Down the home stre…

May 2nd, 2009

No wait, I’ve already used that title.

One final project: done. I already had my topic for my physics poster picked out (redshift and blueshift of galaxies); I thought about it at about midnight last night for maybe fifteen minutes, and printed out the page with the title (shamelessly borrowed from guess which Dr. Seuss book) and subtitle, then read probably another 50 pages of Dominic Deegan (which I’m rereading again) and then went to bed, slept until 10:30, and including a trip to the ASU bookstore to get tape spent the next three hours and fifteen minutes typing everything up, printing and cutting it all out, and fixing it to the poster. All that good procrastination was then wasted on an all-or-nothing grade based on whether or not I actually did the project. *sigh.* But hey, there was free pizza and I only had to be there for about 45 minutes. All that’s left in that class now is one more quiz and the final, which with some actual studying, luck, and divine intervention, may be able to push my grade up to an A.

As for the other three final projects…not so lucky. One was due tonight, but I emailed the teacher explaining how many projects I’m already working on at once, plus the fact that I’m not even running on fumes anymore and am just kinda coasting and slowing down rapidly, and she granted me an extension until Monday night; so the next three days will be spent working my ass off to get that done on time. Another is entirely done in-class, and is the whole final for it, but it involves soldering, and I’m pretty sure it isn’t working because of the absolutely terrible job I did with two specific epically failed attempts at soldering a wire to a lead on the printed circuit board. The last remaining final project will probably account for most of my remaining time from Monday night until Wednesday the 13th, after I finish the last regular project for that class; all in all I’ll probably be spending day and night pulling my hair out and yelling at Maya and Adobe After Effects for a week and a half as my last act of academic progress this semester.

Then: FREEDOM. Sweet juicy awesome freedom.

In other news, my mission papers would have gone in on Wednesday, but as my Bishop and I discovered the Church decided to change the login process for the mission application sometime in the span of the previous seven days, and we ended up running around in circles on the interweb trying to get him signed up for the new login system, logged into the new system, logged into his ASU email to activate his account for the new login system, and after about half an hour saying forget this, we’ll try again next week. SO: The mission papers are still not in, but will be soon. But I do have an interview with one of the counselors in the Stake Presidency about the Melchizedek Priesthood; by my understanding, if I “pass” this interview my name will be presented in the next High Council meeting where my being ordained an Elder (as in Melchizedek Priesthood holder, not missionary Elder—that’s later) will be sustained, then I’ll be ordained provisionally until the next Stake Priesthood assembly during whenever the next Stake Conference is. So, at the very least I’m getting closer to where I need to be by about the end of August if I don’t want to unintentionally take an extra semester off of school.

That’s a lot of long sentences I just wrote. Maybe another half-hour of Pokémon Platinum, then bedtime for me. I have a couple of ideas for politics-related posts brewing, maybe I’ll find time to force those in between all the crap I still have left to do over the next two weeks or so.

Praying for strength

April 23rd, 2009

Zomg and gasp! A blog post about MYSELF! What is this madness?! (Correct answer: “MADNESS? THIS IS INTERNET.”) I know, I don’t do it very much anymore, and I especially dislike writing blog posts that are mostly me struggling with something (”if it doesn’t fit on Twitter, it isn’t worth complaining about” plus Man Law dictate such things in my mind to be bananas at least), but bear with me here for once.

Two things from today have really tested me and made me feel just overwhelmed. One is school: I’m just plain done. I’m burned out, checked out, brain-failure—finished. Like I’ve said before (knock on wood) I don’t care if it’s Guatemala, Mongolia, France, wherever; right now I just need the time off from school more than anything. I’ve been going full-throttle for so long now that I just can’t keep going like this. Even when I get back I don’t want to just pick back up with the same pace I’ve had the past six-odd years; no more 16-credit semesters for me, 15 is the max even if it means delaying graduation or losing my scholarship. I have savings and am moderately intelligent, I can find a way to make money while staying a full-time student AND keeping my sanity. And I’m thinking now of not even coming straight back to school but taking a fifth semester off between when I return from my mission and when I start school again, and just taking the time to unwind and relax and get my focus back on where I’m going with school; maybe start my own small web design or tech consulting business (or actually do my frigging webcomic…maybe even make one about my mission), or do some leisure traveling, or whatever else.

What precipitated this was the fact that I slept in again this morning, missing the same class for the second time in a week. Provided the teacher for that class doesn’t fail me for missing class too much, my prospects of having a 3.25 GPA at the end of this semester are not looking too bright at the moment, which means I’d have to submit an appeal to keep my scholarship, on top of requesting a leave of absence and a suspension of my scholarship for four or five semesters. If I were just any advisor or registrar, that certainly wouldn’t look too good to me. The workload associated with taking so many credit hours is simply too much for me to take any more, beyond four semesters in a row of 15 credit-hours and not far off the high school equivalent of that for four years before that. On the mission application front, I will meet be meeting with my Bishop on Sunday for my remaining interview with him, and to get the ball rolling on finishing that up hopefully HOPEFULLY by the end of the month. Word will propagate through the Series Of Tubes when I am expecting to and when I receive my mission call.

The second thing doesn’t have entirely to do with me, yet is somehow more personal (and I hope she doesn’t mind me mentioning it, since she’s already written about it on her blog): Rebecca’s parents are considering moving to New Zealand. I disagree with but won’t go into the details of the reasons why they’re thinking of moving; suffice it to say that the reasons—and just the idea itself of them moving so far away are saddening to me. The Crowe family was like a second family to me for a long time, and I still regard them very highly and think of them as very good friends. Even before Rebecca joined the Church, I always felt the Spirit so strongly with them and in their home, and anyone else who knows Rebecca will know that she can just light up a room with her smile as soon as she walks in; I consider having known them to have been a great blessing in my life, and the possibility of never seeing them again, and never seeing Rebecca again, is at the very least disheartening to me.

Those are two things that have come up in my own life that have had me doing something I honestly don’t do a whole lot: praying for strength for myself. I try to do my due diligence in following the admonition of Paul to “rejoice evermore [and] pray without ceasing” (1 Thessalonians 5:16–17) and the commandment to “pray vocally as well as in thy heart; yea, before the world as well as in secret, in public as well as in private” (Doctrine and Covenants 19:28). But it’s just my general tendency to pray for others who need the presence, strength and comfort of the Holy Spirit to have it, and to essentially leave myself to my own strength and devices; a bad habit, maybe, but if I could pick one bad habit that I would have to have it would definitely be on the shortlist. I had heard many times before though that the last months leading up to when one leaves on his or her mission are fraught with trials and temptations, and I know that for sure to be what I am experiencing now…and I know that I can’t make it alone. For all the troubles that I have to deal with now, I know that if I pray for courage and guidance, continue along the straight and narrow path, and do the Lord’s work in serving my mission and feeding His sheep, then He will keep His promise that “he that is faithful in tribulation, the reward of the same is greater in the kingdom” (D&C 58:2).

A couple bits of lighthearted random trivia after a somewhat depressing post:

  • Yes, my middle name is Bruce. (So is my dad’s.)
  • My grandpa met and sat literally feet away from President Monson—and within sight of the rest of the First Presidency, and several of the Twelve Apostles—at a recent dinner honoring Henry Eyring (President Eyring’s father, and a famous chemist; he is largely responsible for the absolute rate theory of chemical reactions and won nearly every international prize for chemistry except the Nobel, and served as Dean of the graduate school of University of Utah, where my grandpa got his Ph.D.). Word is that President Monson is very tall in person.

"Proclaiming glad tidings of great joy"

April 19th, 2009

Every day outside the Memorial Union at ASU, various different groups and clubs set up tables to promote various causes and events and recruit members; the LDS Students Association, organized by the Institute Council (of which Rebecca is a member this semester) lately has been among them. This semester though, seemingly every day there have also been “street preachers” and doomsayers shouting omens and carrying signs of damnation to the non-repentant, and railing against everyone from drunks, to homosexuals, to people who believe in evolution, to Muslims, Jews, and yes, Mormons. To these people, to “fear God” means to literally fear retribution for one’s sins; this, therefore, is the feeling they try to instill in those to whom they preach. Moreover, to them the “truth” that they teach is exclusive—they and they alone have any truth, and any and all who disagree or believe otherwise are sinners and are damned for doing so.

I’ll start with what it means to have “truth” in the teachings of one’s faith. We, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, believe ourselves to be the only Church whose teachings are true in their entirety; we don’t pretend to know everything, and there is nothing that we are expected to believe that we do not have either divine revelation or Scriptural reference to confirm, other than what we know we don’t know. (One of these things for example is the existence of a “Heavenly Mother;” we do not know anything else about Her, but that She is not a member of the Godhead, and that her relationship to our Heavenly Father is the model for what exists to us as celestial and eternal marriage.) We believe other faiths and other churches to generally not be entirely untrue, that many of them have some truths in what they teach; but they also teach some things that are untrue, that have been lost over time as a result of incorrect traditions. People such as Zoroaster, Muhammad, Siddhartha Gautama, Confucius, Laozi, and Martin Luther all had partial truths in their teachings, and had a degree of divine inspiration in their reformations of the prevalent faiths in the times and nations in which they lived; we believe their teachings to be worth studying, so as to enrich our own understanding with those truths and to foster and enable mutual acceptance between us and those who are a part of different faiths and cultures. In the words of Joseph Smith:

We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God. (Articles of Faith 1:9)

This does not compromise our belief that we alone have the entirety of the revealed truths of God, but it in no way is a condemnation of those who subscribe to a different faith or creed than us. We believe that finding common truths is the strongest pathway towards helping others to gain an understanding and testimony of the fulness of the Gospel and its truth; and I believe that by the end of days, all of those who believe in even the slightest part of this truth will have the opportunity to learn and accept it in its entirety. This is why missionary work and work for the redemption of the dead are so important to us as a Church: we want every soul to have a chance to be saved, and we believe that Jesus Christ will withhold His atonement from none who will accept His Gospel, keep His commandments, and covenant in obedience to His commandments and in acceptance of His redemption.

Moving forward to what it means to “fear God.” The Bible Dictionary clarifies that “fear of the Lord” is synonymous with “reverance, awe, [and] worship,” yet literal fear is “unworthy of a child of God, something that ‘perfect love casteth out’ (1 John 4:18).” Fear is an aftereffect of sin, and draws one away from repentance and into darkness; it is a tool of Satan to plant feelings of self unworth and make one feel as though repentance is not available to them. This is a lie, because Satan ”[abides] not in the truth, because there is no truth in him” (John 8:44). The words of Nephi make it plain that there are none who are forbidden from taking part in His atonement if they repent of their sins:

Behold, doth he cry unto any, saying: Depart from me? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; but he saith: Come unto me all ye ends of the earth, buy milk and honey, without money and without price. Behold, hath he commanded any that they should depart out of the synagogues, or out of the houses of worship? Behold, I say unto you, Nay. Hath he commanded any that they should not partake of his salvation? Behold I say unto you, Nay; but he hath given it free for all men; and he hath commanded his people that they should persuade all men to repentance. Behold, hath the Lord commanded any that they should not partake of his goodness? Behold I say unto you, Nay; but all men are privileged the one like unto the other, and none are forbidden. (2 Nephi 26:25–28)

Finally, tying it all together: simply the fact that these people preach damnation rather than love, repentance as a threat rather than repentance as a binding covenant between man and Christ, shows their lack of understanding of the true nature of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The title of this post is an excerpt from Doctrine and Covenants 79:1, in which a Brother Jared Carter is called to “go…from city to city…proclaiming glad tidings of great joy, even the everlasting gospel.” The Gospel and the message of the atonement of Jesus Christ is a joyful message, one that brings continuing gladness to the heart and soul and teaches that “all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel” (Articles of Faith 1:3). Yes, repentance is to be taught, but not on pain of eternal damnation; rather as something that is ever available to all of the children of God, and on reward of eternal life in the presence of God the Father and Christ the Son. These verses from the Gospel of John, the words of Christ to the woman accused of adultery, are very powerful to me every time I read them:

When Jesus had lifted himself up, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee? She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more. (John 8:10–11)

Christ does not condemn. It is not the place of man to judge other men of their sins; and to those who will hear His word, Christ says, “neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.”

I have a strong testimony of the power of missionary work, of calling others to come unto Christ through love and repentance, by the power of the Spirit. The words of Christ in section 50 of the Doctrine and Covenants confirm this for me:

Verily I say unto you, he that is ordained of me and sent forth to preach the word of truth by the Comforter, in the Spirit of truth, doth he preach it by the Spirit of truth or some other way? And if it be by some other way it is not of God. And again, he that receiveth the word of truth, doth he receive it by the Spirit of truth or some other way? If it be some other way it is not of God. Therefore, why is it that ye cannot understand and know, that he that receiveth the word by the Spirit of truth receiveth it as it is preached by the Spirit of truth? Wherefore, he that preacheth and he that receiveth, understand one another, and both are edified and rejoice together. (D&C 50:17–22)

Missionary work is successful because the Holy Spirit is real, and because it testifies of the truth of the Gospel when it is present with the person who is teaching and the person who opens his mind and heart to be taught, and this is cause for them to rejoice together in thanks for the knowledge they gain. If any man teaches or learns of the Gospel of Jesus Christ by any means other than the Holy Spirit, “it is not of God.” I testify that these things are true; that the Church of Jesus Christ is restored on the Earth today through Joseph Smith and continued by Thomas S. Monson; and that Jesus Christ lives, and His atonement is absolute and available to all who will leave their sins behind and follow him. I say these things in the name of the Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ; Amen.